


Mac and Dennis Go Missing

by ChloShow (orphan_account)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-11-10
Packaged: 2018-02-18 07:46:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2340608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ChloShow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac and Dennis go on a roleplay holiday without informing the rest of the Gang.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [trash_boats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/trash_boats/gifts).



**MAC**

So, Dennis—

  
**DENNIS**  
 _[driving a silver sedan]_

I don’t want to be harsh here, Vic, but if you call me that one more time we’re driving back to Philly.

**MAC**

Whoops, sorry, Honey. Ha, see what I did there? [ _continues laughing]_ Like your name!

**DENNIS**

It would be more funny if you didn’t make the same joke every 10 minutes.

**MAC**

Why does everything I do bother you? I thought you were supposed to be the nice one.

**DENNIS**

You make it very hard sometimes. But hopefully everything will fall into place once we get to Atlantic City.

**MAC**

Yeah, maybe we can see a magic show or ooh oh, maybe they’ll have body builders there!

_Cut to Paddy's_

**DEE**  
 _[phone in hand]_  
Where the fuck are Mac and Dennis?

_[Mac and Dennis Go Missing]_

_[theme music]_

_["Derby Day" plays]_

_DEE is frustrated._

**CHARLIE**

Have you tried calling them?

**DEE**

No, Charlie, no I’ve just been shouting their names and wondering why they’re not here.

**CHARLIE**

Eyyy no need to get snappy. You have tried that though right?

_[cut to car]_

**MAC**

I feel naked without my phone, dude.

**DENNIS**

What are you talking about? You have a phone!

**MAC**

No, you know what I mean, _MY_  phone. What if someone gets in a jam or gets set on fire?

**DENNIS**

I don’t know what you’re talking about because the only people that we care about are currently in this vehicle.  
_[MAC smiles contentedly]_

**MAC**

Yeah, you’re right.   
_[kisses DENNIS on the cheek]_


	2. Chapter 2

**FRANK**

Where’s Mac and Dennis?

**CHARLIE**

Dude, I think they like got abducted or some shit.

**FRANK**

What!?

**DEE**

No, nobody’s saying they got abducted. Let’s just go to their apartment and hassle those two jerk brains.

**FRANK**

Ooooh, or we could put hard boiled eggs in their vents and wait for them to come to the bar when the place starts stinkin too bad.

**DEE**

That is the most ineffective plan I’ve ever heard, Frank. Anyway, I am leaving so you can stay here and—

**CHARLIE**

Who said we wanted to stay? We can do your plan and the egg plan!

**DEE**

That’s actually not a bad suggestion, Charlie.

_They arrive at the door and see a handwritten sign saying "WILL BE BACK LATER. DON'T WORRY. NOT KIDNAPPED."_

**CHARLIE**

Um that's not suspicious at all.

**DEE**

I thought I saw Dennis’ car parked outside…. anyone have a key?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, I have the spare.

**DEE**

Wait why don’t I have a key? Dennis is my brother.

**CHARLIE**

Well Mac and I are best friends so...

**FRANK**

What about me? 

**DEE**

What about you, Frank. You’re literally related to none of us.

**CHARLIE**

Now that is up for debate.

**FRANK**

Not this again. I thought we resolved this. I am not your father Charlie.

**DEE**

God I hope not.

**FRANK**

I’m gonna go hide the eggs.

**DEE**

Weird, both their phones are here on the coffee table.

_CHARLIE goes into DENNIS' room and looks in his drawers._

**CHARLIE**

Uhhhh, guys? I think you better come look at this. 

_FRANK walks in, and CHARLIE is holding a pair of bloody scissors._

**FRANK**

Shit balls!

**DEE**

What? [gasps] Why are there blood stained scissors in Dennis’ drawer?

**CHARLIE**

I don’t know. Hm, maybe, just maybe some kidnappers tortured Mac and Dennis and now they’re living out their last moments together in the trunk of a car somewhere.

**FRANK**

We gotta figure out where those bastards took them!

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, I can’t let Mac die without me when we clearly made a pact saying if anything went wrong, we’d definitely die together.

**DEE**

I don’t think Mac excluding you from a stupid death pact is the problem here Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

Well, it is, kinda—

_FRANK pulls out his phone._

**DEE**

What are you doing

**FRANK**

I’m calling 911 that’s what I’m doing.

**DEE**

No! You see you can’t do that because if the police find Dennis, then he has to go on trial for all those bench warrants.

**FRANK**

Well shit! What are we supposed to do? Hire a private detective?

_The three of them end up at a private detective’s office describing what Mac and Dennis look like to the private eye’s sketch artist._

**CHARLIE**

Nah ehhh Mac’s eyes are squintier wouldn’t you say?

**DEE**

Yeah, and make sure you get Dennis’ hairline _really_  high.

**CHARLIE**

Also, Mac’s hair is really small.

**DETECTIVE**

Small? 

 **CHARLIE**  
_[consulting the Gang]_

Yeah like small.

**FRANK**

Like you see how his hair is all askew? _[points to CHARLIE]_  Mac’s is about that length but _smaller_.

**DETECTIVE**

This might be easier if you had a picture of them.

**DEE**

Oooh, no, no pictures. They were all lost... _[makes up a feasible excuse]_ in that fire.

**DETECTIVE**

So no pictures on your phones?

_[all laughing]_

**CHARLIE**

oh look at me with my fancy picture phone ohoho. No, we need these. _  
[points to sketches]_

**DEE**

The fact is we have no pictures of them, and they wouldn’t have gone and done something without including us.  So either you help us, or we investigate this shit ourselves.

**CHARLIE**

Hey, yeah, yeahyeahyeah, I could totally find them faster than you, bro.  

**DETECTIVE**

Do you still require my services?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, how else are we gonna see who's better at finding.  It's a detective-off!  
_[gets pumped]_

**DEE**

Oh, you're good at finding, hm? How come you've lost my car keys  _seven times._

**FRANK**

Why did you give him your car keys then?

**DEE**

I didn't! You're missing the point.

 **Detective**  
_[intervenes]_

Okay, okay, are you sure they’re not just doing something as a couple?

**FRANK**

What? Mac’s too repressed for that type of shit. No.

**DEE**

No, they’re definitely kidnapped.

**DETECTIVE**

Alright, I’m going to need to look at their apartment.


	3. Chapter 3

_["Honey Bunch" plays]_

_SHOT: exterior of hotel._

_[hotel lobby]_

**DENNIS**   
_[speaks to an attractive blonde woman at the desk]_

Hello, ma’m, we need one room with a queen sized bed.

**MAC**

We’re not gay.

**DENNIS**

No, no, we *are* gay. My partner’s a little confused at the moment.

 **Hotel employee**   
_[confused, but checks the computer for a room]_

Alright I just need your credit card and ID.

_DENNIS is forced smiling and MAC is oblivious._

**MAC**

What my friend here means is we  _are_ gay [winks].

**Hotel employee:**

I--don't know what that's supposed to mean, but I don't think it's any of my business that you're gay.

**MAC**

Yeah, but we’re not--

**DENNIS**

It’d be great if we could have our room keys so that we could talk this over in private.  
She hands over the key cards quickly and gratefully.

_[cut to their room]_

**DENNIS**

What was that!  You made us look like complete assholes back there!

**MAC**

I thought she might hit on me. If she thinks we’re gay, neither of us can bang her!

**DENNIS**   
_[confronts Mac]_

We are Vic Vinegar and Hugh Honey, two _very gay_ men who are going to have _very gay sex_ in that bed.   
_[points]_ Got it?

**MAC**

Yeah, _they_ ’re gay but we’re not.

_DENNIS pats the sides of MAC’s arms_

**DENNIS**

Let’s check out the bar.   
_[moves to leave]_

**MAC**

Dude, if we wanted to get drunk, we could’ve done it for free back at Paddy's.

**DENNIS**

Since I’m the only one in character here, I’d like to remind you why we drove to Atlantic City in the first place.   
_[sits MAC down on bed and sits next to him]_   
After ten years of domestic partnership as the famed Honey and Vinegar real estate team, we were finally married yesterday. This weekend is our honeymoon! That brings us back to _now_  where you are complaining about getting drunk.

**MAC**

Where are our rings, then?

**DENNIS**

What?

**MAC**

How can we be married if we don’t have wedding rings?

**DENNIS  
** _[condescending]_

I thought that might be going a little overboard seeing as _[gives up]_ —nevermind, okay, if you’re gonna get hung up on that, we can go pick out the rings.

**MAC**

Good, but no diamonds. _[resolute and wary]_   
We’re not chicks. I think we can both agree that pure gold bands with Led Zeppelin lyrics inscribed on the inside would be totally badass.

**DENNIS**   
_[calmly, playing into Mac’s fantasy a little bit]_

You know what? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We might want, let’s say, the chorus to Rick Astley’s immortal pop classic “Never Gonna Give You Up” when the time comes, or you know what? No lyrics at all!

**MAC**   
_[reinforcing his side of the argument]_

When the time comes, we’ll see that Robert Plant’s sensual lyrics totally trump a one hit wonder any day.

**DENNIS**

If I buy matching Led Zeppelin wedding rings, will you finally shut up and go to the bar with me?

**MAC**   
_[wonders why that's a question]_

Uh, totally. _[breaks into a grin]_ It’s supposed to be the happiest night of my life, right?


	4. Chapter 4

_[“On Your Bike” plays]_

_The Gang approaches Mac and Dennis’ door with the DETECTIVE._

**CHARLIE**

And so here we have Clue Number 1, which I noticed first naturally. [motions toward the sign on the door dramatically]

**DEE**

Wait a minute, you didn't even know what that sign says, Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

Uhhhh, yes I do.   
_[incredulous smile]_

**DEE**

Okay read it for us.

**CHARLIE**   
_[takes the sign into his hands and clears his voice]_

"Wall a brick layer, don war, not napping."  See, obviously there was some construction guy who saw it happen and wants us to know they're not napping.  Dude, we'll have to find this guy to find Mac and Dennis. 

_DETECTIVE, DEE, and FRANK all stare at CHARLIE's poor reading and comprehension of the situation.  DEE shakes her head in silent frustration._

**CHARLIE**

Uh, don't thank me all at once, guys.

**DETECTIVE**   
_[takes the sign from CHARLIE's hands and inspects it]_

Is this handwriting one of theirs?

**DEE**

Pffft, well, yeah, but who’s to say they weren’t forced.

**DETECTIVE**

What I see here is a steady hand, no indication of rushing or panic or—

**DEE**

Alright okay alright, just, that’s enough we get it, you’re a handwriting expert.

**CHARLIE**

And now--- _[opens door]_ the scene of the crime!

**DETECTIVE**

_[sniffs]_ What’s that smell?

**FRANK**

Oh, I just put some eggs in the vents.

**DETECTIVE**

Why?

**FRANK**

You see—

**DEE**

Not now Frank.  Now here are their phones on the table, which I thought was suspicious.

_Detective picks up a flyer and whips out his phone._

**CHARLIE**   
_[yells from other room]_

Dee, stop showing him clues.  How will we prove who’s the better detective here if you help him cheat?

**DETECTIVE**   
_[on phone]_

Hello, may I be connected to Mr. Reynolds and Mr. McDonald please?  No, that’s fine.  Thank you for your time. [hangs up]  They’re staying here _[points at flyer]_ , but they don’t want anyone disturbing them.

**FRANK**   
_[surprised]_

Well, that was faster than I thought.  Charlie!

**CHARLIE**

What?!

**FRANK**

The guy found em.

**CHARLIE**

Found?  I don’t _see_ them anywhere!

**DEE**

They’re at this hotel in Atlantic City.

**CHARLIE**

Now that’s ridiculous.  Why would they go to Atlantic City without us? I mean last time me and Dennis had a _blast._

**DETECTIVE**

If you all are through, my fee is $400.

**DEE**   
_[high-pitched]_

For what!  Dialing some numbers into your phone?

**DETECTIVE**

Let’s see there was $100/hour and $100 for each sketch so…

**FRANK**

What are you some kinda con artist! For all we know, you kidnapped em to get you business!

**DETECTIVE**

How could I be sure you came to me to find your friends?

**FRANK**   
_[stumped]_

I don’t know, but you did!  We’re not payin this!

**DETECTIVE**

Okay, I’ll see you in court then. Hope you have a good lawyer because I do.   
_[saunters out of the apartment, slightly aggravated but not surprised]_

**CHARLIE**

So what are we gonna do?

**DEE**

Well, now that we know they’re really on vacation I’m back to being angry.

**CHARLIE**

Oh, I’m furious, too, dude.

**FRANK**

How could they leave us by the wayside?  
  
**DEE**

I don’t know, but let’s head up there as soon as possible so we can ruin anything they had planned.

**CHARLIE**

Alright!  Let’s just go back to the bar for the chloroform and –

**DEE**   
_[punches Charlie in the face]_

Help me get him down the stairs.

_FRANK orients himself to pick CHARLIE's arms up._


	5. Chapter 5

Cut to **MAC**  and **DENNIS**  dressed in tuxes from The Gang Recycles Their Trash.

 **DENNIS**  looks around, hands in pockets, frustrated **MAC** ’s taking so long to pick a ring in the jewelry store; **MAC**  is taking his time.

 **DENNIS**  
[checks watch]

I really don’t think it should take, hm, _two hours_ to pick out a ring.

**MAC**

That’s not my fault; you’re the one who wouldn’t accept any of my lyrical choices!

**DENNIS**

That’s because you couldn’t decide on a short enough lyric to fit on the fucking thing!  I’m going to just close my eyes and pick something if you don’t hurry up. 

**MAC**

Would you stop it?  This is a very serious decision!  
  
**JEWELER**  
[they’re trying his patience]

Are you two ready to make a purchase yet?  
  
**MAC**

Not yet.  I’ve looked over all the rings twice, but I still can’t find anything that really screams Badass, ya know?

  
**JEWELER**

What would you describe as “Badass?”

  
**MAC**

Well, diamonds are not badass, [listing now, and the **JEWELER**  is getting more fed up with each item], neither are those little infinity symbols that’s just stupid, um, no hearts cause that’s gay, no spinning—

 **DENNIS**  
[realization]

Dude!  What about a shamrock?  Like for Paddy’s?

 **MAC**  
[splitting into a grin]

Dude, holy shit!

**DENNIS**

Can you guys do a shamrock on a plain gold band?  I think that would satisfy both of us.

**JEWELER**

Certainly.  The engraving will take about an hour, so feel free to pay now or when they’re ready.

**DENNIS**

Oh, I’m sure as hell ready to pay now.  How much is it again?

**JEWELER**

$200 for each ring and $25 for each symbol, so $450.

 **MAC**  
[pumped]

Woo! Oh, yeahhh. [fistpump] [high fives **DENNIS** and leans in for a kiss]

DENNIS is confused by the advance but remembers he’s in character. He's also glad **MAC** is finally cooperating, so he leans into **MAC** ’s spur of the moment smooch. He's sort of content but remembers the reason they’re in Atlantic City: to bang.

**DENNIS**

So after this, we go to the bar right?

**MAC**

Totally, let’s get [emphasis w/low register] _wasted_.  
[laughs happily]


	6. Chapter 6

[Dee and Frank driving down the highway]

Frank:  Ya know, I don’t really appreciate you knocking Charlie out.  
Dee: You saw how annoying he was being; honestly, it’s been a long time coming.  
Frank: No, I understand the first one, but the second, third, and fourth ones were really unnecessary.  He’s gonna have a mangled face; it’ll be suspicious!  You really shoulda clocked him when we got down the stairs.  
Dee: Well, we live and we learn, don’t we Frank.  Live and learn.  
Frank: Hey, why aren’t we takin that short cut.  I toldya, we’re gonna have to go through tolls this way!    
Dee: Honestly, I’d rather pay a couple bucks than hear you complain about eating a rancid crow again.  
Frank: Hey [listens], do you hear that?  I think it’s coming from the trunk.  
   
[Dee pulls onto the shoulder; Frank and Dee get out to check out the trunk]

[Dee opens the trunk; Charlie pops out screaming, poised to strike]

[Dee recoils]

Frank: Aw, shit, Charlie how did you get yourself untied?  
Charlie [heavy breathing]:  See, Dennis usually ties the knots, you know, he’s really good at tying knots it’s really confusing.  
Dee [frustrated goes to strike Charlie again]  
Frank [stops her as Charlie recoils this time]: Whoa, whoa, Deandra, let’s just see if he can ride up with us.  
Charlie [face is very bruised]: Dude, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I could wig out and jump out of the car on the highway!  
Dee: You’re not going to jump out of a moving vehicle, Charlie.  
Charlie: Who knows?  I’ve done stupider shit!  
Dee: That is true.  
Frank [laughing]: You _have_ done some stupid shit.  [to Dee] Let’s see.  How bout I ride with Charlie in the back, calm him down.  
Charlie: I’m warning you Frank; when I’m riled up, I’m unstoppable.

[cut to car; Dee upfront; Frank and Charlie in back seat]

Charlie [touching his face]:  My face feels really bad.  What happened, Frank?  
Frank: Dee knocked you out instead of using the chloroform.   
Charlie: Just once?  Cause this feels like a lot.  
Frank: She knocked you out upstairs, so you kept waking up and she kept having to knock you back out.  
Charlie:  If _Mac_ were here, he woulda just used the chloroform or a headlock or some shit, but _you_ had to mangle my face!  
Frank: It really is mangled.  
Charlie: You know what I think…I think Mac and Dennis went to Atlantic City without us because they knew _you_ would want to come, and you’d ruin everything!  
Dee [gets visibly angrier with each passing second]: ****_You better shut the fuck up, Charlie, or I’m gonna run this goddamn car into oncoming traffic!  
_ Charlie: Okay, alright.  
Frank: Jeez, so touchy.


	7. Chapter 7

[Mac and Dennis at the hotel/casino bar sipping fruity drinks]

Mac: You know I really wished we served these at Paddy’s. [drinks] Except Dee would make fun of us too much.  
Dennis: Why do you think she’s not here? [chuckles; sips some more]  
Bartender [young blonde woman]: Can I get you two another round?  
Mac: Hell yeah!

Dennis: Keep em coming!  
Bartender [brings more drinks; notices their wedding bands]: Oh my god, are you two married?  
Mac: Well, eh, sort of.  
Bartender:  So engaged then. That’s _so adorable._    
Dennis [moves to correct Mac about their cover story but cut off by bartender]  
Bartender: You two should get married tonight!  There’s a chapel attached to the hotel, and it’s totally legal here. [very excited for them]  I can even be the witness!  I get off in 30 minutes; this is going to be perfect.  
Mac [super into it; makes excited eyes at Dennis]: Totally!  
Bartender: I’ll meet you at the chapel at 8:15 then! [leaves to tend other customers]  
Dennis: No, no, no, no, no, what are you doing telling her we’re not married?  
Mac: Well, we’re not, dude.  
Dennis [as if reciting a script]: ‘Hugh and Vic were married yesterday, and this is their honeymoon.’  What part of that did you forget because I feel like you forgot all of it.  
Mac: No, but I just think it would make this whole thing more _believable_.  
Dennis: [incredulous] More believable for who? I’m having a perfectly fine time following what’s happening. It’s _you_ who wants [gestures wildly] ****_rings and relationship shit and--and an actual wedding!  
_ Mac: Hugh, you’re overreacting.  I think you’re just afraid of commitment.  
Dennis: Am I? Because I think getting gay married is taking this a little too far.  
Mac: Just think of it as getting in character. Plus, she thinks we’re cute.  
Dennis: [shouting] Oh let’s get married because a girl thinks it’s cute, alright then!  
Bartender: Is everything alright?  
Dennis: No! No everything is not alright.  
Mac [assuring]: He’s just getting cold feet.  
Bartender: It’s completely fine to be nervous! You already have the rings; the ceremony just makes it official. [trying to calm him down]  
Dennis: No! I’m not playing into this for one more second! [points] You put that idea in his head. Why don’t _you_ marry him. [takes off his wedding ring with great effort and slams it down on the table]  
Mac [considers the ring sadly].  
[The bartender is astounded, frightened by Dennis’ outburst.]

 

[“Singles Soiree” plays]  
[Dennis sits on a red plush chair in the casino lobby and Mac sits down next to him]

Mac: [looking at rings] You know, I don’t think these are refundable.   
Dennis [looks at his ring, and takes it back, considers it, slips it back on; calmed down]: You’ve ruined this entire trip! We were supposed to get drunk and bang and gamble and bang some more, but no! No, you blew it.  
Mac: We can totally bang after we get married, dude; that way the atmosphere will be _real._ What’s stopping Vic and Hugh from round 2? [“Hooked on a Feeling” starts playing softly] [leveling] Nobody has to know but us. Plus we could just get divorced after this weekend. No big deal.  
Dennis [Mac’s convinced him]: Yeah, you’re right; it’s all about the process. [turns toward Mac; gets on one knee] Vic will you marry me?  
Mac [beaming gaily].  
[‘ _I-I-I-I-_ _I’m hooked on a feeling’_ plays as the camera pans down to show them kissing in the chapel; the bartender hoots and hollers]  
  
[cut to bar, Mac and Dennis open bottles of champagne at the bar and spray them all over each other laughing]  
  
[cut to a restaurant, they eat over candle light and a violinist walks up to their table and starts to play ‘Stairway to Heaven;’ Mac grins at Dennis; Dennis smiles and shrugs bc he’s obv the best husband]  
  
[‘Hooked on a Feeling’ fades as we see Dee, Frank, and Charlie approaching the hotel’s check-in counter]


	8. Chapter 8

[The three of them approach the same hotel clerk as Dennis and Mac did earlier]  
 **Dee** : Yeah, hello, um, we need to find my brother and his dumb friend.  You see, they went on vacation without us, and we want to ruin it for them, so if you wouldn’t mind giving us their room number…  
 **Hotel clerk:** I'm sorry, but It’s against hotel policy to give out personal information about our guests.  
 **Charlie** : But what if they’re kidnapped?  
 **Hotel clerk** : Excuse me?  
 **Dee:** Charlie, I thought we’d established they weren’t kidnapped.  
 **Charlie** : All the facts don’t point to that though, there’s still the note, and the creepy scissors, and Frank, you have your gun, right, just in case things get ugly with the kidnapper?  
 **Frank** : I always have my gun on me are you kidding?  I sleep with it loaded, safety off.  
 **Charlie** : Safety off? Couldn’t you like shoot me in your sleep?  
 **Frank** :  Don’t be ridiculous.  What if a burglar sneaks in on us and throttles us before I have the chance to pull the trigger!   
**Dee** : Just show her the pictures already.  
 **Charlie** : Ah, yes, [pulls out sketch artist’s missing person sketches] have you seen either of these guys today?  
 **Hotel clerk** : Again, I’m sorry, but it’s against hotel policy—  
 **Dee** [leans over the counter, slamming her hands down]: Listen here, you little bitch, if you don’t tell me what room these two are staying in in the next three seconds, I’ll shove my goddamn fist down your throat.  
 **Hotel clerk** [types quickly]: Name?  
 **Dee** : Dennis Reynolds.  
 **Hotel clerk** : Room 315.  
 **Dee** : Room 315, alright guys.  
  
[The three of them walk out of frame while the hotel clerk looks taken aback, picking up the phone to contact hotel security]

 

[The door to Mac and Dennis’ hotel suite closes; Dennis stands, holding his tux jacket over his shoulder.  Both sound like one of them just finished telling a great joke.]

 **Mac** : Dude, dude, this was—like, no joke, the best night of my life. [He places one hand on the back of Dennis’ neck, kissing him casually as if they’d been doing this for years.]  
 **Dennis** [eyelids heavy, giving off a vibe to set the ‘mood’ for the rest of the evening]: Now, _finally_ , the Main Event [He leans in to whisper.] And just because I know you’ve wanted this for  _so long_ …I’ll let you top this time.   
**Mac** [Takes a second to let those words sink in and slides behind Dennis, wrapping his arms around him and unbuttoning his shirt, handling Dennis roughly as Vic Vinegar]: You know what I think? I think that you _want_ me to fuck you. [grabs Dennis’ jaw] Say it. Beg me to ride your ass.  
 **Dennis** [smirks, leaning his head back so that Mac’s hand can rest around his throat]  
 **Mac** : Beg me to fuck you, or it’s not happening.  
 **Dennis** : Fuck me, Mac.  
  
[This statement blows Mac off balance, hearing Dennis address him out of character.]  
  
[Knocking at the door]

 **Dennis** : Shit.   
**Mac** : Who the hell could that possibly be?  
 **Dennis** : I don’t know. [raising his voice] Can’t you read?  The sign says,‘Do no disturb!’  
 **Dee** : Open up, jerks, we know you’re in there.  
 **Mac** : Dee? [furrows his brows]  
 **Dennis** [starts buttoning his shirt]: How the fuck did they find us?    
  
[cut to door opening from Frank, Dee, and Charlie’s perspective]  
 **Frank** [gun at the ready]  
 **Mac** : Frank, get that gun out of my face.  
 **Dee:** What are you guys doing in Atlantic City without us?  
 **Charlie** : Yeah, we thought you got assassinated or something.  
 **Dennis** : I don’t—we left a note, didn’t you get the note on the door?  
 **Charlie** : Yeah, but…  
 **Dennis** : No, nope, nevermind, get out.  Get out of here; you’re ruining everything.  
 **Dee:** What?  
 **Frank** : What are we ruining?  
 **Charlie** : Holy shit, are you wearing a wedding ring?  
 **Frank** : Mac, has one, too.  
 **Mac** : No I don’t, no we don’t. [hides hand]  
 **Dee** [amused]: No, stick out your hand, Mac.  You too, Dennis.  
 **Dennis** : I will stick my hand wherever I want to stick it.  
  
[Two figures approach down the hallway]  
 **Security guard** : Could the three of you come with us please?  
 **Charlie** : No, you see, we know these guys.  They’re our friends.  
 **Mac** : I’ve never seen these people before in my life.  
 **Dennis** : They’re harassing us, and we’ll have none of it.  
  
[The three of them are being handled by the security guards]  
  
 **Frank** : You son of a bitch!  
 **Dee** : Oh, screw you, Dennis, screw you and screw Mac and screw each other, you bastards!

[break]


	9. Chapter 9

[Mac and Dennis walk into the bar to see Frank and Dee with tissue stuffed up their noses]

 **Mac** [both he and Dennis taken aback by a smell]:  What the hell is that smell? [covers up half of face by pulling up the neck of his t-shirt].  
 **Frank** : We don’t know; Charlie’s down in the basement right now, checking the rat traps.  
 **Dee** : Why are you guys here anyway and not on your exclusive honeymoon?  
 **Dennis** [pinches his nose with his fingers; speaking nasally]:  Honeymoons are supposed to be exclusive, Dee; that’s the point.  Anyway, you assholes completely ruined the mood, and when we finally got back to the apartment, everything smelled like rotten eggs.  
 **Frank** [starts crackin up]  
 **Mac** [points accusatorily]:  You did this!  
 **Frank** : Sure did!  You see, we originally thought you guys were just skippin out on us instead of the whole kidnapping thing, which I guess we were right, but I put eggs in the vents to make the place stink up so bad you’d be forced to come down here!  
 **Dee:** I have to say, I was skeptical at first, but it seems to have worked as a great revenge after you guys pretended you didn't even know us and let those guards strong arm us out of the casino!  
 **Mac** : Whatever, Frank, the point is our apartment smells like shit, and you’re gonna fix it.  
 **Frank** : What?! I’m not fixing _shit.  
_ **Dennis** :  Yes, you’re going to supply us with sufficient funds for a proper apartment, reimbursing us for the permanent _egg smell_ that has tainted our belongings.  At the very least, consider it a wedding present.

[Frank is about to reply when Charlie is heard screaming from the basement.  The Gang follows his screams to the Apocalypse shelter.]  
  
 **Charlie** [rapid speech]: Guys, guys, I thought there might be a couple dead rats down here because we’ve been gone a couple days, but rats don’t usually smell this bad and then I realized the smell was coming from the bunker, so I opened it up and found [swings door open to reveal a dead Rickety Cricket with stab wounds in his stomach].  
  
[Group recoils of disgust, Dee gags and remedies her disgust by turning around.]  
  
 **Charlie** : My first thought was  “How the hell did he get down here?” then I--  
 **Dennis** [cuts him off]:  He must’ve crawled in here when you guys were wasting time trying to find us.  
 **Mac** :  Dude, are those stab wounds?  Another homeless guy must’ve shanked him [mimes motion] over some food or some shit.  
 **Dee** [turned around, talking to the ceiling]: That doesn’t explain why he came here in the first place!  
 **Frank** : It makes perfect sense! Street rat got stabbed and wanted to squash his beefs with you before he keeled over.  End of story!  
  
 **Dennis** [nodding the whole time, arm now around Mac]:  [poetic and scripted] Maybe, in the end, he wanted to rekindle his lost love, and when he discovered it was futile, curled up to die. [pause as everyone considers his strangely scripted statement] I say we hide his body in the dumpster behind that asshole Art Sloan’s bar and wash our hands of the situation.  
 **[Mac** and **Frank** nod in agreement.]  
 **Dee** :  Yeah, I mean, bums die everyday.  Who’s even gonna notice?  
 **Charlie** :  Wait, hold on, should we say any final words?  
   
 **Mac** [thinks, hand to his chin, eyes squinted in concentration]  
  
[The rest of the Gang contemplates shortly and eventually shakes their heads.]  
  
 **Dee** : Nah.  
 **Frank** :  I wasn’t particularly attached to the guy, so…  
 **Dennis** :  Okay, let’s find a big tarp or something.  
 **Charlie** [thinking aloud]: You know what I don’t understand is why there isn’t a trail of blood if he crawled down here, ya know?  
 **Dennis** :  You don’t have to understand.  It’s out of our hands now.  One lest pest we have to deal with, right guys?  
[Group laughter]  
 **Charlie** :  You're right, you're right.  My detective instincts aren't what they used to be.

 **Dee** [moment of realization; flashback to Charlie holding bloody scissors]  [her raccoon eyes swivel to Dennis]

 

[End theme]  
  
[Credits]

  



End file.
